Oh, For Crying Outloud

 

While grieving the loss of my Grandmother, I began to video myself talking through all of the emotions I felt. For some reason, I felt giving my silent thoughts a voice would make me feel better.

There was no intention to share the recordings when I made them, so there was no pressure to sound smart or be on point. I could just be, and let the emotions wash through me.

To my surprise, the entire process made me feel better – even though I knew nobody would see it. The fact I had done it for myself was empowering and healing. Who knew?

After each time I hit the stop button on the recording, I was able to set down the twirling cloud of feelings and anxiety happening in my head. Apparently, there have been studies done on benefits from speaking aloud.

Now it’s been a month and I think it’s time to share one of my videos, especially after remembering my New Year Promise to myself I wrote about in New Year Same OG.  I’m throwing out my rulebook and listening to my inner voice, and my internal dialog is telling me to share.

Even though I’m thinking of all of the potential people who could see this that I don’t want seeing this … 

Showing any emotion is tough for me. I only know how to be happy or mad, sadness in my book is for the weak and I’ve spent twenty years making sure there was no question about my physical and mental toughness.

Plus, isn’t there an unspoken pressure nowadays to seem more put together than before? Even though we all know it’s bullshit to be 100% a hundred percent of the time, we still feel compelled to act whole. So how do we break this ideal?

Maybe it’s to share the realness of life’s ups and downs more so than not.

While death is a part of life, it’s hard to process and deal with the emotions that arise. How am I supposed to set down the fact my Grandmother and I weren’t close, that the last time I saw her was eight years ago and had I not pushed to facetime with her, that really would’ve been the last living and breathing memory.

“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” Vikki Harrison

How do you deal with the guilt that comes from the passing of a loved one? Because I’m sucking at letting it go.

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