Here’s another blog that’s made its way out of limbo, and here’s my lack of self-confidence asking you to hopefully semi-relate.
Tell me I’m not trapped and there’s a way out. Tell me these last few years haven’t been a complete waste of time and everything happens for a reason.
full disclosure: I’m in a mood today and don’t feel like pulling up my big-girl-pants.
As of this very moment, I’d give anything to not be in charge of what’s for dinner tonight or figure out the grocery list for the week. There’s zero motivation to exercise or take my dogs out every morning. I’m not depressed (maybe mildly), just sick of all my responsibilities.
I’ve had them for as long as I can remember and for once would like to feel like I have a handle on them instead of the other way around. How did I get them all in the first place? Where down the line did I get the idea that balancing all the things meant a person who has their shit together?
Okay, one question at a time. How did I get them all in the first place? I think being the oldest child has something to do with it.
As the oldest, you’re tasked with the worst chores because you’re old enough to do them, charged with watching the younger ones and scolded with the phrase, “you have to set a good example for your brother and sister,” when you messed up. It’s a pressure the oldest carries without even knowing it.
Then, I got a job the second It was legal to hire me and my boxes couldn’t pack themselves fast enough after turning eighteen. Paying bills, living on my own and trying to figure out college was a fucking nightmare but possibly the best time of my life.
After finally graduating with a Bachelor’s of Arts in Journalism – Strategic Communication, there was a split second where I felt accomplished because I had done the impossible and paid my way through school and went back to finish after a move to Virginia Beach put me on hold for two years.
But that moment only lasted for a split second because I was living through the worst transition with my husband, in a state we both hated living in. So I hopped on a train (because I didn’t want to fly by myself) to California and got a job so we could move on to a better situation.
All these life decisions and responsibilities made, and here I am feeling like I’m right back where I was three years prior with only a few differences.
My family is going through yet another transition and I’m exhausted with the back and forth, what if conversation about what the next step is because the last step isn’t what we thought it would be.
When am I going to feel settled AND calm? When is my shit going to get together?
A few weeks have passed since I felt like life was drowning me with its choices and responsibilities. It took re-reading this post for me to figure out the answer I was looking for, though.
Life is hard, and it’s hard for everyone because our struggles aren’t the same and we all handle life differently. I’m the type of person (so is my Hubs) who wants to constantly strive for better and never settle, so I’m extra hard on myself when I can’t figure out a solution in a timely manner.
The truth is there will always be a level of uncertainty or struggle in my life because I’ll never settle for less than the best. What I can practice instead is focusing on the positives, because I can’t wait for life to feel complete or whole in order to start living.
I can’t plow through life. Otherwise, I’ll miss out on the little moments that make life worth living; like a day hike to see a waterfall with my Hubs, or a night off from cooking because we’re craving Mexican.
Life is what you make it, and the older I get the more it makes sense.