My Self Doubt Death Eater Unveiled

So I’ve been slacking on my reading, writing, and self-care/aware/wellness. For the past few days, a paralyzing fog has moved in and dampened every extra activity I usually enjoy doing.

It feels a bit like a Death Eater is chilling over my head sucking all the cheer out of my atmosphere. This sounds like a bought of depression, but I think it’s actually self-doubt creeping in and that it stemmed from one lousy interaction I let seep into my bones.

Brene Brown says being able to be vulnerable can transform the way we lead, parent, live, and love. And while my heart tells me this sounds true, I can’t help but listen to my gut which is telling me, “it’s not safe.”

My gut has hardly steered me wrong, so it’s my head that got me into this mess.

Awhile back I was told to read a book called Safe People by John Townsend. In this book, it explains characteristics to look for AND look out for in relationships and how to make sure a person is ‘safe’ to open up to about your truths with no fear in judgment or retaliation (it being thrown back in your face or used as gossip).

This ‘safe test’ means dropping a personal factoid you’re comfortable sharing and waiting to see how the potential safe person acts. If this is interesting to you I recommend picking up the book because I won’t give it nearly as much justice as it deserves.

What’s the golden rule? Don’t ignore the ‘safe test’ results. It doesn’t matter how much you WANT the person to be safe, if they aren’t capable of it than don’t push it. You’ll only set yourself up for failure, and that’s exactly what I did. It just took me a week to see it.

One kinda terrible conversation snowballed to questioning my self-worth and moping around wondering if I know what the hell I’m really doing and if I’m enough. 

Another blog I tried to write and rewrite a hundred times started out like this: when you put your best foot forward and it’s still not enough, what do you do? I’ve never felt good enough, smart enough, well-off enough, skilled enough, pretty enough, or loved enough. Therefore it leaves me convinced, I am not enough. 

I couldn’t get past this one paragraph, for days! I thought it might’ve been writer’s block so I started writing another blog about feeling frustrated to get the writing juices flowing, but I got stuck there, too.

So I stopped pushing and waited for it to make sense.

Reaching out for help is hard to do but I did it and simultaneously got ran over with holier than thou righteousness which is never fun or an attitude that produces much problem-solving.

It was devastating and I let it eat me up. So much so that I started to question my own self and worthiness. All that negativity I continued to feed conjured up a self-doubt Death Eater, and once I realized that’s what was going on I felt free.

Because deep down I know I am enough, I trust myself, and I won’t let anyone else’s emotions determine my own worth.

Cultivate it.


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