I’ve had a couple days to re-read and chew on my post on Monday and I think the post might have been a bit confusing unless you were inside my head reading through my own eyeballs.
“My Self-Doubt Death Eater Unveiled” didn’t clearly connect the dots between what I was feeling to the conclusion/lesson I wanted to convey, which for the record sounds like a great euphemism for life; sometimes the dots don’t connect and life ends up looking like a big blob of mush no matter how hard you concentrate.
What I am certain about is it needed to be written out so I could begin to understand all parts of what drove me nuts about this interaction that left a nasty taste in my mouth. Monday’s confusing blog helped me realize I tie my self-worth up in what others say project on me.
But duh, I am enough. I know my worth. I know who I am and I’m not going to let others sway the eternal strength I know I possess because throughout the past two decades I’ve proved it to myself. Basically, trust yourself. I encourage you to practice the same self-love and reassurance.
Monday’s blog didn’t connect the dots because I couldn’t see the other part of the equation. Writing My Self-Doubt Death Eater Unveiled helped me realize the phrase, “I’m rubber and you are glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.” To understand the other half of the equation I had to backtrack to the moment before I engaged in the conversation that started this all.
When I confronted I expected comfort because it had been offered up once before, but deep down I knew it wasn’t going to end well, had I practiced the art of ‘pausing’ before engaging, this may have never happened.
So what’s the problem?
I expected a certain reaction and when it didn’t go the way I had hoped, it bummed me out. If I would’ve taken a second to fully gage my emotions, manage my expectations, and fully understand the situation before diving in head first, I could’ve saved myself some hurt and pain.
This was the other part of the equation I couldn’t solve and lead me to this realization about myself. My expectations and standards are high when it comes to relationships (all types), and because of this, It affects my ability to connect as well as accept people for who they are and/or what they bring to the table.
Don’t get me wrong, having high standards isn’t a terrible trait to possess, it’s great to have when striving for personal and professional goals because it usually means you’ll do greater than the bar you set for yourself.
Having high standards/expectations does make it extremely hard to reach the bar you’ve set for yourself because you keep moving it so that it’s never quite reachable. You’re constantly striving for a better you, which makes me (possibly you) never feel enough.
This means I also expect others to hold themselves to the same bar because it’s fair, but it’s not plausible to hold everyone to my bar (even though it makes it safer and less likely to let anyone in which is comfortable for me) because everyone has their own set of rules they live by according to what makes sense to them.
So why not be aware of that person’s ability and accept only what they can offer instead of what they aren’t offering.
Make sense? Or is this post as confusing as my last one?
I get stuck on fairness. I grew up with the strong notion of Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. So if I treat you the way I want to be treated, please follow suit. It may sound or feel harsh but it’s safe.
Apparently, the other phrase my Mom would preach, “worry about yourself,” still rings true, especially in this situation. I can’t expect people to act the way I would act in any or all situations, nor can I hold them to my expectation in regards to our relationship.
The best I can do is reaffirm boundaries in my relationships, remind myself I am enough, and continue down this path of wellness and understanding. No matter how hippy-dippy it sounds, I don’t care. The only person outside of me who’s opinion matters to me is my husband.
Oh yeah, and take a pause before reacting or initiating potential conflict. Ask myself what do I expect out of this conversation, is it realistic given the person I’m speaking with, am I open to what they might say or am I expecting them to give me what I need.
Three cheers to practicing the art of pause.
I play better on Instagram than Facebook but regardless, come be my friend online. RamblinRandol is my personal journey about understanding myself more with the hopes it’ll help someone else in the twenty-something/pushing thirty struggles.