Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace

There’s a little something-something I want to get off my chest, something I want to say, not need to say.

I have been pretty open to those who’ve asked and in my writing with you all, about taking the time to understand myself, love myself and care for myself. This process has involved a few self-help books (Heyyyyy Brene Brown, I LOVEEEE you) and a couple therapy sessions and an acceptance I can’t do this thing overnight.

It has to take time and patience to dive into the pain, mourn, and then accept what is. What I’m saying is, this is going to be a forever process and I’m in it for the long haul.

Some of my sharing shines a light on some insecurities I have regarding me as a person and my family upbringing. So I want to say this: don’t get it twisted, no matter how confusing or frustrating I am with past circumstances, it will never change the way I feel about my family.

I love them. Nobody can replace my Mom or Dad, ever. And I would still kill for my brother and sister, even though we’ve hardly seen each other over the last five/six years. Yes, some shit got fucked up. But I’m not going to carry it with me for the rest of my life.

Everyone has baggage they’re trying to unload. Sometimes the washer is full and it has to wait, sometimes the luggage is locked and you can’t find the key, and other times you can acknowledge it needs to be unpacked, but that it’s just not going to happen for some time.

We all have problems. Mine are mine. Yours are yours. No problem is greater than another. My Mom did the best she could, so did my Dad, so is my brother and sister, and so am I. The most rewarding part of this entire process for me has been accepting who I am and embracing me.

Denying myself made me an angry person. Wishing relationships were a certain type of way does nothing but set me up for heartache. It’s crazy you operate a certain way for 25-plus years and then one year happens and fucks it all up.

And that’s where I’m at in this very moment with all of you. This year threw everything I thought I knew out the window, and this blogging practice is me trying to figure out what the hell it all means.

Life is crazy man, and we’re all trying to figure out how to keep our arms and legs inside the rollercoaster so they don’t get chopped off. Don’t judge my story (or the people in my story) based on the chapter you walked in on.

There’s my peace. I won’t repeat it again. I love my family, nobody is going to replace them and it doesn’t matter how far away I am, they’re mine until the end of time.

Happy Friday!

(I forgot about this the past two times -_- I’m awful) Currently grateful for the maple glazed donut One protein bar giving me life this Friday morning. What are you grateful for? Tell me in the comments.

Cultivate it.


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