To The Pit Of Misery – Also Known As The Creative Depression Vat

It’s been a few weeks, my bad. There hasn’t been much inner inspiration to produce a post I thought anyone would want to read. This assumption is obviously subjective and a part of some sort of creative depression my nasty gremlin (inner voice) throws me into every once in a while.

The ‘creative depression’ vat of misery is usually first formed out of a lack of patience, i.e. the motivation I’ve conjured to keep me working towards a goal (book deal/podcast launch) finally fizzles out; enter nasty gremlin reminding me I am nothing and will accomplish nothing and then cue radio silence.

Twenty minutes ago I hadn’t realized patience was the leading factor in what would help fuel my nasty gremlin, so there’s a positive. I need to work on patience and remind myself when shit doesn’t happen in my timeframe (which TBH is made up), it’s not the end of the world. I’ll keep pushing and will figure it out.

Maybe a little self-confidence in myself would help ya girl out, too. It’s not a secret I have trust issues, this includes with myself. I don’t trust I’ll get the work done. I worry I’ll drop the ball instead.

This boils down to being at another crossroad in life. My professional goals are clear but the path is clouded with fog and per usual, my personal life feels like a mess. Do I want kids? Should I buy a house? Are these my wants or what I think I should be doing? This is why working has always come easy for me, fill your time with work so that personal shit gets suffocated.

I do know I want to do things on my own timeline and not based off some 1950’s time sheet. The problem is I think my Hubs bases his timeline off that out of date 1950 one, which is a struggle.

What I really want to know is how the hell am I supposed to get this podcast launched while working on this book idea, while keeping up with my full-time gig, AND maintain a relationship with my Hubs, family, and friends?

I don’t think your girl has the same stamina she had back in the days of four doubles in a row followed by school full time the other three days. That ship has sailed, thankfully. All that grind never got me out of the country for the first time. Who’s to say another 8-years of grind will lead me to the beaches of Greece?

You know what I think is mostly my problem? That damn timeline I was talking about earlier, and the patience thing. Actually, didn’t I write a damn blog post about throwing out the schedule? When the hell am I going to start listening to myself? #smdh

Creating a weekly to-do list stresses me out. I don’t care how many Pinterest pins or Instagram entrepreneur accounts explain otherwise. “Successful people plan out their week every week.” I’m done trying to follow other peep’s rules, it doesn’t work for me.

When I feel compelled to write, I’ll do it. Screw trying to block out time every week at the same time. Maybe my process is off the cuff, it fits my personality?!

Huh, who knew this is where this post was going to go.

Happy Monday. I hope you find the strength to go against the grain when it benefits you most. I’ll keep you posted on how my new ‘schedule’ works out. 

Now to keep up with my promise to practice gratitude to fight my tendency to forbode joy: Currently feeling gratitude towards my body and all of its capabilities. What are you feeling gratitude towards? Let me know in the comment section, below. 

Cultivate it.

play better on Instagram than Facebook but regardless, be my friend online. RamblinRandol is my quest for true belonging. 

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