To The Girl Who Has Spent Her Entire Life Wishing…

To the girl who has spent her entire life wishing her parent(s) would wake the fuck up and get their act together, you’re not alone. It really sucks when the ones who are supposed to unconditionally love you, can’t. 

It would’ve been nice to get a happy birthday text from my dad, even better if my siblings would’ve remembered, too. It’s easier to forgive them because we were raised by the same wolves.

I wish my dad could’ve risen to the occasion, put his bullshit aside, acted like an adult and wished his daughter a happy fucking thirtieth birthday.

Our relationship went for a turn (recently) when I stopped pretending his behavior was okay, and the cops finally got called.

In the twelves years, I’ve owned my own cellphone, he’s never called it. Only texted. In the thirty years I’ve been breathing, I’ve never heard him utter the words I love you.

For a long time, I believed I wasn’t lovable. If my own parent(s) couldn’t then who could?

But this was a lie.

Eighty-something people took time out of their day to wish me a happy birthday on Facebook. Family on my husband’s side planned me a party. Coworkers hosted a lunch AND a fancy tea party ‘just because’ I’m turning thirty and they wanted to celebrate with me.

My mom sent me a message, and so did my grandmother, cousin, and uncle.

And most importantly, my Hubs planned us a week-long vacay to an all-inclusive resort in Mexico. I got to slide into my thirties in another country with just my man and plenty of sunshine.

People do love me and probably have for a long while, I just couldn’t see it because I was so focused on the ones who didn’t.

To the same girl: grieving the loss of a relationship with someone who is still living is painful and arguably harder than grieving a person who passed. Nothing I can say will make you feel better but know I am with you and understand your pain. You’re not alone.

I would like to encourage you to pick your head up and make an effort to see who is trying to love you. It will be hard to receive at first because knowing others can give it so freely stings when all you’ve ever wanted was to be loved by your own people. 

Nothing worth it is ever easy, and you’re worth it. Do the work. Invest in yourself. Blow your own damn mind. 

Everything you have ever wanted, is sitting on the other side of fear. (18)

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