Tag: writing

A Sandbox Full of Animals: How Nature Helps Me Name What I Feel & Other Spiritual Guide Discoveries

Nature and animals have provided me a load of comfort, hope, and safety over the years. My being always felt most at ease when it was amongst the leaves, birds, and breeze. If a hot shower can’t fix my mood, a walk beneath the trees definitely will. And the truest parts of my heart were kept in childhood with our German Shepard mix, Pepper. And when she passed, they stayed with my girl of sixteen years, Bella. A National Geographic binder filled with fun facts on every animal known to man was a book on my parent’s shelf I asked for permission to read over and over again.

My head, heart, and body have been out of touch and numb from one another for a long damn time. I feel disconnected, disassociated, and stuck in survival. A “little” something-something being worked on in therapy. But when asked the dreaded, “and how did that make you feel” question my brain inflicts a whiteout. A weather condition during heavy snow where visibility is nearly zero. Thoughts cease to exist. My inner monologue goes mute and the ability to use adjectives is lost. All that comes out is. “I don’t know.” The solution has been to do an exercise with a sandbox using objects and figurines to help represent what I’m feeling.

It seems obvious now but it wasn’t (at least to me) then and you can probably guess…my sandbox is routinely filled with animals and nature. It has led to a conversation about spiritual guides and if I know mine. Side-note: did you know every zodiac sign has an animal associated with it? For fun, I’ve provided the list below.

  • Gemini: Butterfly
  • Cancer: Wolf
  • Leo: Lion
  • Virgo: Owl
  • Libra: Swan
  • Scorpio: Snake
  • Sagittarius: Horse
  • Capricorn: Mountain Goat
  • Aquarius: Dolphin
  • Pisces: Deer
  • Aries: Tiger
  • Taurus: Bear

Different systems use different methods to assign animals. Don’t feel connected to this list? Do some digging to find a system that fits for you. And if I’ve lost you because there’s no hard fast rules well…congrats on making it this far with me, haha. Want to know more about your Chinese Zodiac? Click here for a chart.

Do I know which animal represents my spirit guide? The short answer is, I don’t know. How am I supposed to know the difference between appreciating and being deeply connected? Allegedly there are some options. Some recommend meditation and visualization. A quiet space to relax your mind and body, focusing on your heart to see where it takes you. My brain is too loud for this suggestion. I’d sit and think and talk myself out of every animal to appear. Every other thought would question, is this intuition or a personal persuasion?

The “look for signs” idea feels a bit more realistic for me. The Internet suggests to be open and receptive. Notice any signs in nature or in your dreams. Pay attention to synchronicities or meaningful coincidences. You could experience physical or emotional sensations. You might feel tingly or warm. A sense of calm or ease. A feeling of energy moving through you. Some have claimed to see external signs like flashes of light or hearing unexplained sounds. Not going to lie, it would be so much better for me if this could be solved by inputing personal data into a formula. This trust your feelings thing obviously isn’t great for me.

What I do know is there are a few animals tattooed on my body. A majority of dreams are me trying to fight, protect or save someone or something I care for deeply. Nannie told me ounce I was like a “wise old owl.” A recent doom scroll on Instagram lead me to a wolf pack metaphor about eldest daughters that made me feel deeply seen. A lioness is permanently placed on the inside of my bicep. I got her after a life-changing event as a reminder. And my first tattoo came at eighteen after moving out of their house. Two doves. People would ask, “why doves?” I’d respond without hesitation (or understanding what it implied), “because I’m finally free.”

Luckily, I don’t need to pick one. Which is helpful considering I’m an Enneagram 1, needing one sets me up to look for the “perfect” animal representation. It appears you’re allowed to feel connected to multiples. Or have a few guides throughout your life depending on needs. So, this little bit of murkiness will have to do for now. And I kinda love it because now I have something fun to doom scroll. 

If you were an animal, which one would you be/feel most connected to? What was the first animal to pop into your head? Tell me in the comments 🙂

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PS: I asked Matt, he said raccoon. Well, technically he said, “trash panda.”

Google says, the raccoon symbolizes curiosity, resourcefulness, and adaptability due to its intelligence and ability to thrive in changing environments. It also represents mystery and disguise, represented by its mask, and can encourage you to explore your own complex self and shed any masks that no longer serve you. For some indigenous cultures, the raccoon is a trickster figure associated with lighthearted mischief, cleverness, and dexterity (they can open doors!).

And I think he nailed it.

PPS: Does anybody know where I can get a National Geographic binder book about animals that was probably printed sometime in the 90s? Lol
PPP: Thank goodness for therapy and therapists who use sandboxes to help those of us feeling challenged to help express what’s “coming up.” Look what it led to! ❤

If You Feel Like a Mess on a Rock in Space… Same

This isn’t advice. It’s just me being honest, in case you need it too.

The last thing the internet needs is another expert. 

So, I solemnly swear to never tell you what you should be doing. Nothing grinds my gears more than others trying to tell me “exactly” what I should be doing in order to achieve x,y, and z. 

Because here’s the thing–the older I get the more I realize I don’t know shit. The moment it feels figured out, something changes and I’m back at square one. And honestly? Love that for us, it keeps us honest. (Except for the ones selling you that magic elixir.)

What I do know is how much I appreciated people being authentic and real with me about their truths. I learned the most from others sharing their own personal experiences. It helped process my own and I’d like to return the favor. Sharing what I’ve learned in hopes it helps you feel less crazy, less alone or less stressed about where you’re at.

Because if you feel like a mess on a rock floating through space, girl same. What even is my purpose here?

Hi friends, I’m trying hand over at Substack for a little while.

(I couldn’t keep sharing posts about silence and rejection from pitching, haha. And for some reason, opening WordPress feels like a drag. Not sure if it’s because at one time I had this popping and now it’s crickets or what but I’m trying to unblock the mental block.)

SO, if you wanna read the rest of the post above and learn more about the book that made me reconsider therapy, head on over to my Substack 🙂

ps: thanks for reading ❤

Sex Trafficking In Our Backyard

I wrote this blog for work back in July after attending Orangewood Foundation’s Sex Trafficking Forum. The contents of that education still haunt me and I don’t want its lesson to be lost over time. It’s not old news because we haven’t found the solution.

We live in an imperfect world and bad people will always find a way to inflict harm on their victims, but this doesn’t mean we throw in the towel. We fight.

Please take the time to read the forum recap below and listen to Oree’s story. She led the forum discussion that night and I couldn’t begin to describe the amount of strength this woman holds. Orangewood Foundation asks to please help spread awareness to help end the growing pandemic of sex slavery, we can all do our part. 

Last night the Marconi Staff attended Orangewood Foundation’s Forum on sex trafficking in Orange County. The moving dialog from a survivor stirred up a fiery determination to do more in each staff member’s stomach.

The Marconi Foundation for Kids did recently donate $3,000 to the Orangewood Foundation, but it’s not nearly enough and there’s plenty of work to be done; we want to do more! The number one goal Orangewood has in regards to its sex trafficking program is to bring more awareness to this sensitive issue.

With the need for awareness on the brain, here is a recap of what was learned and spoken about on Monday night’s gathering.

Disclaimer: This post will use potentially alarming vocabulary to promote awareness about sex trafficking. Viewer discretion is advised.

Sex Trafficking Statistics:

  1. 100,000 – 300,000 American children are victims of sex trafficking per year.
  2. 1 out of every 3 runaway girls in the U.S. is approached by a pimp within 48 hours of running away.
  3. Almost 400 victims of sex trafficking in Orange County have been identified in the past 10 years and almost half of them were children.
  4. In the past two years 1,277 victims have been identified in California.
  5. 50-80% of sex trafficking victims in California are or once were in the foster care system.
  6. There were 145 victims in Orange County in 2014.

Q:What is sex trafficking?

A: The use of violence, threats, lies, debt bondage and other forms of coercion to compel adults and children to engage in commercial sex acts against their will. Also known as: sex slavery, human trafficking and Commercial Sexual Exploitation of Children (CSEC). 

Terminology:

  • “In the life”: involved in sex trafficking
  • “John/Trick”: child molester; the buyer
  • “Bottom bitch”: the pimp’s head girl
  • “Wifey”: the girls who work with you and your pimp

Q: Who are these girls?

A: These girls are the regular “run-of-the-mill” children. It can happen to anyone.

Victims are predominately young females who are insecure, questioning their self-esteem or looking for a way out of an abusive family.

Listen to Sex Trafficking Advocate and Survivor, Oree Freeman, tell her story in the video below.

In addition to Oree telling the forum’s crowd her story, she shared numerous survivor stories, or in her terms, her “survivor sisters” stories.

“My survivor sister grew up in South County and like most young girls in Southern California, dreamed of becoming a model and walking the runways for the fashion world’s most elite. But, early on her dreams were crushed when she didn’t have the support from her parents. Determined to make it in the industry, she got in contact with a reputable agent who continually booked her in successful events that advanced her career. 

Until one day, the gigs stopped and she had no money to support herself and didn’t want to ask her parents for help after they had previously voiced disapproval regarding her career choice. The agent became her pimp, even though he spent time furthering her career, turning her over was always his end goal.”

Kinds of pimps:

This kind of pimp (in above story)  is considered a CEO Pimp; the character who has all the opportunity to give out and uses it to lure in  victims.

A Romeo Pimp will wine and dine you for however long it takes until sold into the ring.

Women pimps are referred to as Madams and have usually been former workers “in the life.”

Recruiting Spots:

Any area where a large group of children frequent, i.e: bus stops, malls, skating rinks, group homes and the Internet.

Oree told the crowd she once walked into a skating rink during the afternoon and saw her ex-pimp and “bottom bitch” scouting out the mobs of kids, looking for the weakest link.

Girls’ Expectations:

One pimp’s formula his women must make:

  • $600 to eat
  • $800 to sleep
  • Didn’t collect the money from the John, punishment was sleeping with the next man without a condom.

This math equates a need to make $208,000 a year and work 16 times a day for 5 days to achieve it. This means one woman experiences 4,160 rapes a year to be able to eat and sleep. 

Other facts to keep in mind:

  • Orange County is a number one destination location for sex trafficking because of its high prospect to make money.
  • Sex trafficking is almost as lucrative as drug hustling because gangs are becoming more interested in selling kids than selling drugs, it’s “safer.”
  • Recent reports have shown pimps come from violent upbringings and/or have experienced sexual assault while growing up.
  • Sex trafficking victims often get mislabeled as prostitutes.

The Good News:

  • The Orangewood Foundation has been working for nearly 35 years to care for abused and at-risk youth. The foundation has numerous programs to aid children in need.
  • First responders are being taught how to recognize a sex trafficking victim and what questions to ask.
  • The creation of a new program called The Lighthouse Program, by the Orangewood Foundation.

The Lighthouse Program is transitional housing for young women who have left “the life.” It’s a house with 24/7 care for women aged 18-21 (minors are generally placed in foster care) that will help a survivor recuperate and plan for their future, and stay as long as needed to become successful.

This program will work in tandem with other Orangewood programs which offer help with basic needs, independent living skills, employment and education.

As the first kind of home/program in the Orange County and L.A. area, the foundation needs our support. Below is a list detailing how YOU can support The Lighthouse.

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If you are interested in attending a forum, the meetings happen every second Monday of every month from 6:30-8:00pm. Plan to be a part of the discussion on August 8th and September 12th at 1575 E. 17th St., Santa Ana.

Awareness is the first step in stopping the problem.