Melissa McCarthy’s Bridesmaids Monologue Is The Reminder We All Need

Melissa McCarthy’s pep talk monologue with Kristen Wiig in Bridesmaids was what I needed to both see and hear. 

Before I taint the pool with my aha moments, watch the clip or read the transcript below and take note of what stands out to you. Did you need reminding of something, too?

Continue reading Melissa McCarthy’s Bridesmaids Monologue Is The Reminder We All Need

(One Of) The Best Pieces Of Advice I’ve Received

(One of) the best pieces of advice I’ve ever received was actually scribbled on a stock image and re-shared on Facebook by an old high school friend (thanks, Kaylin!). The second my eyes finished reading the final word, an audible “oh” escaped my lips while a simultaneous explosion erupted in my head and heart.

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What Do The 5 Closest People In Your Life Say About You?

Who has read Melissa Ambrosini’s Mastering Your Mean Girl?

A chunk of her points can be found in other self growth books (which has to be an obvious clue these ladies are on to something), but I appreciated her focus on filtering life through a lens of love to achieve your highest potential.

She also asks the reader a lot of questions and gives space in the book to write your answer. Fun Fact: I LOVE questionnaires.

But today’s blog is not a recap of the entire book, today I want to focus on just ONE of the chapters regarding divine relationships because recently I had to let a relationship in my life go, and it was painful (yet also therapeutic and freeing).

This section of the book was a friendly reminder I made the right choice, and I’m sharing just in case you need to read it, too.

Q: Who are the five most prominent people in your life? 

Have you named them yet? I’ll wait…

……….

…….

….

..

….

…….

……….

…….

….

..

Who else used to do that ^^^ in notes you passed to your friends in middle or high school? lol, it’s the little things you guys. 🙂

Alright, do you have your five? Great. These top five relationships are a direct reflection of you. Read that again. They are a direct reflection of you. 

Melissa writes, “you see, we are a product of the people we surround ourselves with, which means whoever you’re hanging out with the most says a lot about who you are and who you are becoming. With that in mind, when you look at your list, is your immediate reaction ‘oh, crap!’ or ‘Hell yea, that’s awesome–these people are amazing; I am so inspired by them and grateful to have them in my life.”

Some people are really good at sucking the life and/or energy out of ya, and sometimes there is no removing yourself from the situation (coworker, boss, family member) so then what?

“Ask yourself what changes do I need to make within or to that relationship to make it more inspiring or healthy for me?” says Melissa.

The entire chapter stresses the importance about surrounding yourself with good people because these relationships influence your life. So why waste any of your precious time, space or energy on people who don’t appreciate it?

“The purpose of relationship is not to have another who might complete you; but to have another with whom you might share your completeness. – Neale Donald Walsch

RamblinRandol is my journey back to loving myself (which happens to include baking). It’s an open letter on how I’m growing through what I’ve been through. And like Maya Angelou said, “the ache for home lives in all of us…” It’s time for me to feel at home in my own skin.

Click here to be my digital penpal and receive an email from mwah twice a month or hang out with me on Instagram @sjrandol.

 

 

3 Questions To Help Find Your Purpose

How the fuck do you find your purpose?

If this thought ran through your head too you’re not alone, boo.

I almost didn’t listen to the podcast episode that inspired this post because it had the word purpose in the title, for some reason the notion of finding my purpose feels frivolous and like a huge waste of time.

But lucky for me, the podcast title included the word myths and this intrigued the cynic in me. Yup, I basically listened with the expectation it would tell me what I wanted to hear: don’t waste your time on searching for a purpose; it’s a crock of shit.

Spoiler alert: I got an aha moment, instead, and a huge LOL at myself.

According to Jay Shetty (On Purpose host) when you pay attention to what makes you passionate, it then leads to you figuring out your purpose; passion leads to purpose.

My favorite part of the podcast was when he explains most people attempt to “chase down their passions” in hopes something will stick and make sense. This leads you to look outside of yourself (usually creating a lot of distractions) when really, you need to be turning inward and paying attention to what lights your own fire.

This bit led to a conversation with my Hubs about the ‘fun project’ called Stuff My Wife Makes on Instagram…while I love to cook new recipes, it was taking away from what I really enjoy doing…blogging about the stuff that matters to me and has helped me grow.

Turns out my Hubs didn’t want to do the mini-series anymore because he was never going to say anything terrible about something I made. Plus, most of the recipes I made were ones I knew he’d enjoy tasting. It was also starting to feel extremely tedious on my end which also sucked all the enjoyment I got out of cooking and baking.

There’s nothing wrong with saying goodbye to a project not meant to be. We tried something new, and it turned out to be a distraction. On to the next!

In order to figure out your purpose, Shetty asks listeners to consider these three questions:

Q1: Do you know yourself deeply, have you taken the time to date yourself and understand what makes you tick inside and out?

He continues the question by asking you to make a correlation between your favorite movies or books and yourself.

Q2: What do you love to learn? What do you love to teach?

And measure the answers to those questions by how it feels in your heart, not what it sounds like in your head. In your head, it’s easier to let what others might say influence your decision. So pay attention to your heart. ***OMG THIS. No wonder so many Disney movies tell you to pay attention to your heart!***

Q3: If Jay Shetty was going to pay for you to have 100 hours of personal development, how would you divide the hours up between the stuff you’re good at, the stuff you’re average at, and the stuff you’re bad at?

Would you put all of your focus into what you’re bad at and a little into what you’re average and good at? Would it be the other way around where you focus only on what you’re good at and then divide the rest between average and terrible?

What was your answer?

Mine was to put most of the energy into what I’m terrible at and then divide the rest between good and average because If I’m already good with x,y, and z, then why wouldn’t I focus on what needs improving? Don’t successful people work on their weaknesses first?

Nope, apparently not! Those who are successful in their field focused a majority of their energy on their strengths…

[insert forehead slap]

Duh. This makes sense.

Don’t you just love realizing the obvious?

Why does everything sound so much clearer when you get outside of your own head? 😉

Here’s to minimizing the distractions and leaning into what fuels your heart.

If you want to check out the podcast episode for yourself, click here.

Did you have your own aha moment while reading? Please share with me in the comments.

Oprah quote about finding passion

RamblinRandol is my journey back to loving myself (which happens to include baking). It’s an open letter on how I’m growing through what I’ve been through. And like Maya Angelou said, “the ache for home lives in all of us…” It’s time for me to feel at home in my own skin.

Click here to be my digital penpal and receive an email from mwah twice a month or hang out with me on Instagram @sjrandol.

The Brave & Brokenhearted Manifesto

Have you read Brene Brown’s Manifesto of the Brave and Brokenhearted? It’s a story I go back to each time I feel like dipping out when the going gets too tough.

Paragraphs three, four and five are my favorite to re-read over and over when I need the reminder.

And it goes like this:

There is no greater threat to the critic and cynics and fearmongers than those of us who are willing to fall because we have learned how to rise. 

With skinned knees and bruised hearts; we choose owning our stories of struggle, over hiding, over hustling, over pretending.

When we deny our stories, they define us. When we run from struggle, we are never free. So we turn toward truth and look it in the eye.

We will not be characters in our stories. Not villains, not victims, not even heroes. 

We are the authors of our lives. We write our own endings. 

We craft love from heartbreak, compassion from shame, grace from disappointment, courage from failure. 

Showing up is our power. Story is our way home. Truth is our song. We are the brave and brokenhearted. We are rising strong.

I won’t let my past dictate my future. I get to write my own ending. I’m not one to play the victim but I can work on not feeling like the villain.

Side rant: it drives me batty when people are hell-bent on playing the victim, turning every injustice into a personal attack on their own day.

Will you look in the mirror and ask yourself the hard questions? Will you look your truth in the eye and not run from it? What would happen if you stopped running and started to tackle it?

Hold yourself accountable. Save yourself. It’s only ever up to you to make a difference in your own world. Ask a question. Seek understanding before you judge.

Tackling my own demons has been my biggest struggle these past two years, and yet, the most rewarding.

Stay hungry for the growth my friends.

 

 

Are You Filling A Space You’re Not Meant To?

The most recent episode of Red Table Talk on Facebook Watch titled Healing Emotional Scars with Ciara is a good watch for anyone with a blended family, in a committed relationship, or is looking for inner personal growth…so, basically everyone?

Around the eleven minute mark, Jada and Ciara get into a discussion about navigating life with bonus children and parents.

“I have a bonus son from Will’s first marriage, who I adore, but in the beginning, it was challenging because Trey already had a mother, and I had to learn how to have that motherly compassion without trying to fill that space because it was already taken,” said Jada.

Filling spaces that are already taken, hot damn, let’s say it to ourselves again because I think this idea is universal!

This sparked two thoughts/questions:

  1. Where is the line between motherly compassion and overstepping boundaries?
  2. Where am I guilty of trying to fill a space that’s already taken?

Where is the line between motherly compassion and overstepping? Everyone’s line placement is subjective due to life experiences, but I do think it’s fair to say if someone has communicated where their line is and you keep pushing, that’s when it’s a problem.

The key is to have enough self-awareness to recognize when you’re feeling pushed and if/or when you’re doing the pushing (which ties into point two). People are telling you (verbally or with body language) how they want to be treated so if you choose to ignore by only doing what you want, that’s on you.

Where am I guilty of trying to fill spaces that aren’t meant to be filled by me? Oh, plenty, but I’ll only mention one, haha.

I struggle with feeling responsible for other people’s behaviors and/or actions when my worlds (friends, coworkers, family, etc.) collide.

It goes back to how I was raised and how the phrase ‘guilty by association’  was hammered into my head, that paired with emotionally immature parents who couldn’t control their moods was the perfect equation for me (the oldest) hoping if I could manage all the moods in the room a fight wouldn’t break out because when one did, it always ended up feeling like it was my fault.

So I tried to fill a space where I was in charge of everyone’s behaviors and actions to eliminate embarrassment on all sides, which made being in a room filled with people I knew impossible.

But FYI, people are responsible for their own actions, not you. Guilty by association is bullshit (I double checked with my therapist). This space is not mine to fill, and it’s one I’m happy to bow out of with my middle finger in the air, waving it goodbye.

Where are you trying to fill a space you’re not meant to fill?

Everything you have ever wanted, is sitting on the other side of fear. (19)

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Plan B – Flying Anxiety

If just the thought of being 30,000 feet above the ground is enough to send your head spinning and make your heart race, we same same. Traveling by plane makes me want to jump out of my skin and run a thousand marathons simultaneously.

This wouldn’t be a problem if seeing the world wasn’t on my to-do list, but it is, so here we are. Now, what am I going to do about it?

Enter Plan B (Plan A being an anxious ball of wound tight nerves from the second my suitcase leaves my bedroom until the moment it returns back to its place in my bedroom).

This is my Plan B, feel free to take bits to help make your own Plan B.

But first, mindset.

I wasted a lot of time trying to conquer my fear instead of searching for ways to manage it. Flip the script in your head and ask yourself how can I manage this? instead of focusing all your energy on getting through it.

Changing your perspective (and giving yourself grace) will help you recognize what’s fueling your anxiety and what would ease it.

Here’s what didn’t work for me.

  1. Pretending I wasn’t getting on an airplane and waiting until the very last minute to pack. This did nothing but amp up my nerves because all of a sudden everything was happening all at once the night before my early a.m. flight.
  2. Essential oils. A coworker gave me her essential oils and a breath exercise to help put me in a calming space. I couldn’t manage to get outside of my own head long enough to grab the oils or want to do the breath exercise in the middle of the airport.
  3. Having the flight and my anxiety associated with the flight a topic for (what felt like) constant conversation isn’t helpful. If I don’t bring it up, please don’t talk about it.

Plan B:

  1. Focusing on one step (task) at a time. I start to panic about two weeks out, and when it happened I told myself “NO, focus on packing,” and then after I’m done packing I’ll focus on the car ride to the airport, then getting through TSA, etc. So far it’s worked.
  2. Beyoncé Homecoming playlist for takeoff and any other moment in between when I need reminding I’m a strong woman.
  3. New mantra: “I’m a badass” to say on repeat while the plane is climbing for cruising altitude (or as needed).
  4. Reality checking my anxiety (therapy gem) by reminding myself “stressing out is habit, so my brain is just following protocol and doing what I’ve trained it to do.” Also, my fear about flying is about crashing, so relating checking also means telling myself the safety FACTS about air travel.
  5. Listening to my Plane Anxiety meditation on Headspace. I did this last time I had to fly and it was HELPFUL. It teaches you how to ground yourself which came in extremely helpful during turbulence.

Reality Checking Info:

Americans have a 1 in 114 chance of dying in a car crash, according to the National Safety Council. The odds of dying in air and space transport incidents, which include private flights and air taxis, are 1 in 9,821. That’s almost three times better chances than you meeting your fate by choking on food.

You’re more likely to be struck by lightning with a one in 13,000 chance.

Aircraft go through a massive amount of testing before they even get off the ground, and there’s still plenty more after that. You can watch some of the most extreme tests in the video above from the Business Insider YouTube channel.

If there’s one thing you take away from these facts, make it this: turbulence isn’t a safety concern. Turbulence is, as commercial pilot Patrick Smith explains, a nuisance, but not a huge danger to you or the plane:

For all intents and purposes, a plane cannot be flipped upside-down, thrown into a tailspin, or otherwise flung from the sky by even the mightiest gust or air pocket. Conditions might be annoying and uncomfortable, but the plane is not going to crash. Turbulence is an aggravating nuisance for everybody, including the crew, but it’s also, for lack of a better term, normal. From a pilot’s perspective it is ordinarily seen as a convenience issue, not a safety issue.

And most importantly, never forget you’re not perfect because nobody is and chances are your anxiety will get the best of you, again. But with practice, you’ll get better at managing it.

Everything you have ever wanted, is sitting on the other side of fear.-3

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How Do You Stay True To Your Roots?

My biggest fear is one day I’ll wake up and won’t recognize the face looking back at me in the mirror. I worry I’ll get wrapped up in materialistic values and forget my humble beginnings.

Well-fed cornfields, dairy farms, and long country roads paint my earliest memories. The seclusion allowed freedom to shoot off model rockets with Dad and build bonfires in the backyard. Mom taught us how to build castles with books and how to use the floor vents to make sheet forts when the furnace kicked on.

Happiness never related to possessions, and it wasn’t until much later I realized my family’s resourcefulness wasn’t out of creativity but necessity. Growing up with less (and helping to carry my parent’s adult problems at a young age) made me grind for success.

A common phrase in my house growing up was “figure it out on your own,” so I put my nose to the grindstone and worked full-time while attending (and paying) my way through college. It took me almost eight years to finally get my Bachelor’s. I could only do so many college credits at a time because unlike most of my classmates, I also held the responsibility of living on my own with no financial backing.

This ambition to never quit and continue to strive for better is what landed me here, out of the restaurant industry with a job that pays well and has “regular” (off on holidays and a routine 9 to 5 schedule), located in sunny Orange County, California.

Now, when I wake up in the morning I have choices of what I want for breakfast and drive on a freeway that’s frequently littered with million dollar homes and exotic supercars, not a cornfield in sight.

Jlo speaks about this in her song, Jenny From The Block. “Don’t be fooled with the rock’s that I’ve got, I’m still, I’m still Jenny from the block. Used to have a little now I have a lot. I’ll always know where I come from (the Bronx!).

Most of us haven’t gone from a private person to a public person making millions but we’ve all experienced some form of reckoning that’s forced us to reconcile with what once was compared to what is.

Living in Orange County I’ve seen what an excess of privilege does to a person. I fear eventually I’ll get used to this good life (affording Brie, aerial classes, and financial freedom my parents never had) and forget where I came from and the values that got me here.

Now, this might sound crazy because I’m not Jlo going from nothing to holy-shit-something…

…but for those of you who have dug themselves out of the deep pits to successfully changing your own stars, know what I’m talking about. This abrupt, yet painfully slow transition from past to present is internally conflicting. And man, can we talk about the guilt for a damn second?

There are some days I have a really hard time digesting how much money I spend now compared to ten years ago. A little rotten voice in the back of my head constantly questions is what I’m buying sensible and how I should be saving it instead.

The truth is I’m not spending money on frivolous items, it’s being invested in my physical and mental well being, which is a tough concept to digest. Also, how come it feels so strange to invest in me? Ugh, a blog post for another day. 

So how do you make sure you don’t forget your roots?

There’s an old saying about acknowledging your path to success and the author from Bodhi Tree writes…

“There is no way to grow and strengthen if you are walking on flat ground. You have to climb. You have to fall and claw your way back up again, and when you emerge covered in dirt, sweat and smiles, it’s beautiful! It’s worth it. If you rub away the climb and the fall, you rub away the story itself.”

Basically? It’s practicing gratitude and honoring your struggle. Acknowledging a fear means you’re aware and won’t let ‘it’ happen because you’re not living with your head in a hole.

ps: I had an afterthought aha moment…what if staying true to your roots is just remembering your past, and bringing its best lessons and values with you everywhere you continue to go and grow? It’s not about reconciling, but an important piece of staying grounded. 

Everything you have ever wanted, is sitting on the other side of fear. (16).png

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Reoccurring​​ Nightmare​s

Get to the coastline before sunrise to save your sister. My heart is beating out of my chest and my legs can’t run any faster, sweat is pouring from every orifice and it feels like I’m not getting any closer to the coast. I’m starting to panic. What’s going to happen if I can’t save her? I can’t even think it, there’s no question; I must save her.

Dangerous obstacles slow my pace, a few moments ago I had to outrun a gang of dudes and it sent me in the wrong direction. I fear I’m going to be late. An orange hue has started to paint the sky, time is running out. “Must run faster,” is on repeat in my head. I can’t breathe but I don’t care. Where is my sister?!

Yellow has begun to mix with the orange, at any moment the sun will crack the horizon; I lay eyes on my sister. She’s in a deep pit and our fingers brush at the tips. She’s just out of my reach. I’m as far over the ledge as possible, any further and I’d fall in with her. “Jump! Jump!” I scream. She’s drained, eyes sunken in, she gave up hope long ago. “Please!” I beg, “Jump, I’m here, I’ve got you!”

She makes a runner’s lunge and throws herself up. My feet are dug deep into the earth, my stance wide and strong. I grab for her hands, prepared to lock on tight. We catch each other’s eyes just as the sun hits her face. “I’ve got her, I can catch her. She’s going to be safe,” I say to myself.

As the sun rises higher, the bottom of the pit slowly crumbles and shows the sky. How did this happen? We’re high up, too high up. Just as our fingertips are about to lock the sun shifts and momentarily blinds her which makes us miss hands. One of us screams, everything slows down, and I watch her fall.


My recurring nightmare has the same theme. I’m in a desperate situation frantically trying to rescue someone (it’s been my dogs sometimes, too) and miss saving them by a fingertip every time. No one else is ever with me in these dreams, it’s only me.

I never really read much into it. Chalked it up to an active imagination. Then I read this book written by a psychologist who shares one of her patient’s reoccurring nightmares that sounds an awful lot like mine and shares this explanation:

“*Natalie’s dream captures what it feels like to be emotionally alone. She has to deal with everything by herself and doesn’t consider asking anyone for help. This is how children of emotionally immature parents feel. Their parents may technically be present, but they offer little help, protection, or comfort.

Children like Natalie often grow up like little adults, helping their parents, giving them no trouble, and appearing to need practically nothing. These capable kids may seem like they can parent themselves, but they can’t. No child can. They just learn to cling to whatever emotional scraps they get because any connection is better than none at all.

Natalie is a successful adult and has created a rewarding life both personally and professionally, so who would guess the powerful woman walking into business meetings with a great marriage, successful children, and close friendships because she knows how to relate to people from every walk of life is carrying this deep sense of loneliness with her in every aspect of her life? Her dreams pull back the curtain to reveal that loneliness.”

She goes on to ask Natalie if she ever wondered why she was always alone in her dreams. Before my eyes finished reading the sentence my heart had lurched to my throat. I’m alone every single time, too, and I couldn’t stop those tears no matter how hard I tried to look up.

And her explanation felt really familiar. I never considered the amount of emotional loneliness I carry around or what that feeling I’ve always felt had a name. Therapy is helping. I’m unwinding the patterns and being aware is lightening my load. I haven’t had this nightmare in a few months, so maybe I’m getting somewhere quicker than it feels.

reoccurring nightmares quotes about moving forward

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Overindulging​ In Details

Do you struggle with a compulsive need to justify your actions and/or analysis paralysis? I know I do and it feels like I’m on trial every day. And no lie, I’m exhausted. It is tiring to consistently live in a state of self-defense.

Today’s three big questions: Where did it come from? Why do I do this, now? How can I stop over explaining myself?

Context is king in my book because logic wasn’t welcome in most debates or conversations. Consequences were dolled out depending on erratic mood swings with bouts of violence. It didn’t matter if you could enunciate your feelings on the matter, and fact never beat fiction. The rules for living and disciplining never made any sense.

When your home environment thrives off criticism and every move you make is put under a microscope to analyze on a cellular level why you fucked up and how you should’ve known better, you begin to get defensive. You’re trying your damnedest to be good enough and it’s never enough.

I believe this creates a habit of needing to defend your actions which leads to striving for perfection in hopes you’ll be perfect and free from criticism, which then shapeshifts into analysis paralysis because you can’t move forward unless you’re absolutely sure nobody can come at you from any angle…

Now, as an adult, I feel obligated to give detailed answers to any personal questions thrown or tossed my way where it feels like my actions and/or behaviors are being questioned because I don’t want anyone speaking for me or twisting my words or assuming why I am the way I am.

I don’t want anyone else in control of my narrative.

Here’s the thing though, I can explain myself until I’m blue in my face to preserve how I want to be seen (to prove I’m good enough and smart enough) but it doesn’t matter because people truly are going to believe whatever they want to believe. If anything, over explaining, makes me feel less sure about my decisions.

What I didn’t know then is, it doesn’t matter how close to perfect you come when the person critiquing is looking for negatives, because when you’re only looking for the negatives you’ll find them every time.

And somewhere along the line my want to stay authentic, intertwined with compulsive justification. Being authentic does not require explaining all of your actions, neither does being honest and transparent.

Have you ever Googled, what’s the difference between honesty and transparency just for fun? I did and got this, “ honesty is when you reveal the truth you feel NEEDS to be known. Transparency is when others can see for themselves the truths they feel they need to know.”

Basically, if you live honest to yourself it will show. Not, must say all the things in order to be honest.

So how do I (or you) stop defending and over justifying your answers?

You’re going to hate the answer (because I did, too), but it takes practice and paying attention to when you overindulge with details. And also take the time to remind yourself you don’t NEED to explain yourself to anyone and everyone. 

Be comfortable with silence. Practice confidence, and remind yourself of how many obstacles you’ve already surpassed. You are capable.

Chinese proverb