Will You Support My Sleep Out Campaign via Covenant House California?

I need your help. Will, you support my Sleep Out campaign via Covenant House California and donate today? Donate here. On November 15th, I have accepted Covenant House’s challenge to spend a night sleeping on the street so homeless youth don’t have to.

The Sleep Out is not about pretending to be homeless. It’s an act of solidarity with the 4.2 million young people who experience homelessness each year. It’s a decision that we can’t stay indoors while so many kids remain outside.

One night can make a difference.

If you’re curious as to what the Sleep Out is all about, watch this video from last year’s Sleep Out (where I helped raise $30,000 for Covenant House California!).

They say ‘third times a charm’ and I’m hoping my third years means breaking the bank in donations to benefit Covenant House California and its homeless youth programs, and I need your help to break my fundraising goal. 

57% of homeless kids spend one day of every month without food.

Some may remember my first Sleep Out experience, I shared a video and blog the morning after and shared how much impact this one night had on me. You can read it and watch the video here

It opened my eyes in a big way. Covenant House offers these young people so much more than a safe place to sleep – they welcome each young person with absolute respect and unconditional love, and their continuum of care provides essential services to help young people transition from homelessness to independence.

46% of homeless kids on the street are fleeing violence at home.

Can you imagine being in high school and making the decision that being on the streets is safer than in your own home, and then following through with it?

Every donation matters, it doesn’t matter if you give $25, $50, or a whopping $100. It makes a difference. Plus, your donation instantly doubles because the foundation I work for is providing a match. So your $50 becomes $100 in the matter of one click.

Please help me help these kids in need by making a donation in support of my efforts!

love-your-neighbour-1067320-unsplash


play better on Instagram than Facebook but regardless, be my friend online. RamblinRandol is my quest for true belonging. I also just launched a podcast centered around understanding the homeless youth epidemic, subscribe and join me on this brand new journey! 

The One With Mark Anthony – Someone Like You podcast

It’s Friday and the SECOND episode of Someone Like You has dropped! This week we meet Mark. He’s a twenty-two-year-old Pasadena college student who wants to one day run his own business that incorporates his art.

In his words, he was chronically homeless all throughout school and when he entered his Senior year of high school his Mom kicked him out from their living arrangement at the time, so he had to figure out where to go after the final bell rang.

Growing up he didn’t have a father figure or a role model because his father went to jail and got deported. Mark’s uncle (which he now realizes could’ve been a role model) died after a horrific motorcycle accident around the same time he lost his father. He was only seven years old.

The house he claims as his ‘childhood home’ had his grandmother, big sister, aunt and her son, his mom, and uncle all living under one roof. The reason quotations are around childhood home is because Mark rarely ever stayed there while he was growing up.

His story is complicated, as many of the youth who have experienced homelessness are. Take a listen and meet Mark, and if something strikes you tell us about it in the comment section below.

There are nearly 35,000 kids searching for a safe place to sleep each night in the U.S. alone, and if you’re living in California like me, Los Angeles has about 6,000 youth out on the street each night and the Bay area has about 3,500 kids.

Someone Like You podcast is dedicated to answering these three questions: who are the homeless? How did they become homeless? What can we do to end homelessness? So join me as I try to find the solution, one interview at a time. 


play better on Instagram than Facebook but regardless, be my friend online. RamblinRandol is my quest for true belonging.

Do You Know A Modern Day Pharisee?

Have you ever heard of the word Pharisee? I hadn’t until a coworker of mine used it as an analogy to describe someone they knew. My coworker explained the Pharisees were similar to people who know it all and make you feel guilty for not following their lead.

Next came Google.

Nine articles, a few passages, and one rabbit hole later, I came to this conclusion of who the Pharisees were in a nutshell. They were the strictest and most righteous group of people who couldn’t stop condemning others for not following law or tradition over God’s will. This made the bar so high to get into Heaven that no common man could ever achieve it. And if I’m being frank (which is my favorite) they sound like arrogant know-it-all-assholes.

For those who have a hefty religious background, this next part might be redundant to you but those who are in the same boat as me, here are a few definitions I gathered online.

“The Pharisees in the Bible were members of a religious group or party who frequently clashed with Jesus Christ over his interpretation of the LawThe name “Pharisee” means “separated one.” They separated themselves from society to study and teach the law, but they also separated themselves from the common people because they considered them religiously unclean.” – ThoughtCo

 

“‘Woe unto you, scribes, Pharisees, hypocrites!’ (Matthew 23:13). It seems that the word hypocrite is almost a synonym for Pharisee because the members of this Jewish sect seemed to always be in conflict with Jesus and the disciples. Pharisees were considered the strictest sect of the Jews because each member had taken a pledge to devote his life to keeping every point of the law.” – House to House Heart to Heart  

So, who would be considered a modern-day Pharisee these days? Back to Google to see what the masses had to say.

Some of the answers were interesting. One mentioned if the person spends more time talking about what they’re against than for, they might be a modern day Pharisee. Or, if they get angry and offended when rebuked against, and my personal favorite, showing up every Sunday makes you right with the big man upstairs regardless of what you did that week.

One man wrote about the 12 signs of being a modern-day Pharisee and at the end expressed the reason he could write the post was because he had experienced all twelve in his own life. If you’re curious, click here.

But how do you deal with modern day Pharisees? Ignore? My Google results were inconclusive but I found this Bob Marley lyric that felt fitting instead.

“Who are you to judge the life I live?
I know I’m not perfect
-and I don’t live to be-
but before you start pointing fingers…
make sure you hands are clean!”- Bob Marley


play better on Instagram than Facebook but regardless, be my friend online. RamblinRandol is my quest for true belonging. I also just launched a podcast centered around understanding the homeless youth epidemic, subscribe and join me on this brand new journey! 

The One With Armond Bell – Someone Like You

I’ve rewritten this opening line a thousand times because this is too unreal. Back in March, I had an idea that maybe I could make a difference regarding the homeless youth problem by creating a podcast that’ll help but a face to homelessness by interviewing those who have experienced it. Well…

Today’s the day. It’s here! The very first episode of Someone Like You (SLY) is available for download anywhere you can listen to podcasts. Never in a million years did I think this was ever going to get off the ground, so I hope you’ll join me on this journey by subscribing, rating, reviewing, and sharing it with friends.

Someone Like You is a podcast that’s exploring the homeless youth epidemic that’s currently suffocating and stumping our country. Every other Friday I’m going to interview an individual who has experienced homelessness in hopes to get a better understanding of how to end it.

Every night nearly 6,000 kids search for a safe place to sleep each night in Los Angeles and I believe the solution starts with you and me. It’s important we get to know these young people in order to put a face to homelessness because I’m willing to bet once we get to know them, they’re Someone Like You.

People are hard to hate up close, move in. – Brene Brown

Stay tuned.

Cultivate it.

Judge, Jury, and Executioner – Guilty As Charged

This past weekend was interesting. I had a few conversations with different people about vastly varying topics that all came together (somehow) on one of the drives home. Ya know, during the debrief conversation with the Hubs after an all-day social outing. Everyone does that, right?

These conversations can be either enlightening or argument inducing, thankfully it wasn’t the latter and left me with a new little gem about myself I can carry into interactions moving forward.

Conversation One: my sister-in-law came to visit this weekend with her brand new baby boy. We got away one afternoon and walked around Fashion Island so she could get some of her favorite treats to bring home to Reno and during one conversation we discussed her new role as a mother.

She had a difficult time conceiving, suffered from PCOS, went to numerous doctors, tracked her ovulation and did rounds of scientific intervention via a pill I can’t remember. All she wanted was a baby. The stress was unbearable and she began to question her worth.

If she couldn’t have a baby, what kind of woman was she? (her words not mine) This statement led to ‘conversation one.’ She sat on one end of the spectrum regarding womanhood and I realized that I sit very far on the other.

Conversation Two: this actually had multiple conversations intertwined but I want to stick to the largest point because it led to convo three. And yes you guessed it, this convo involved my arch nemesis, love.

I don’t even like writing the word love, just seeing it makes me feel uncomfortable and vulnerable and blehhhhhhhh. But if I’m being honest, I feel like the word love is another one of those words that get overused and holds no value anymore. People just say it all willy-nilly and it doesn’t seem right (to me).

So with the above mentioned in mind, conversation two was with someone who loves a whole lotta people, would literally do anything for their large group of friends and family, who also includes me in this circle.

The thing is I have a hard time believing any words of admiration thrown my way because, well, they say it to a lot of people so how do I know it’s not bullshit?

Conversation Three a.k.a. The Debrief with Hubs: I like to hear how my Hubs percieves topics regarding relationships because usually, we have two different understandings or presumption. So I brought up convo two to hear his take…

Apparently (according to the Hubs & does seem to be true) if it were between believing someone and not believing someone, I would err towards not believing someone. “If there’s no smoking gun or proof, you don’t take it to be true,” said the Hubs, “and sometimes it makes talking to you more difficult than it needs to be.”

To stay truthful I did ask him to give me an example, and it’s because I don’t like guessing. I don’t want to assume it might be one thing when it could be another. I like to stay ahead of the ball, so why bother fucking around with assumptions when I can get a straight answer by asking the question head-on.

And without missing a beat, he provided one. And to stick with being truthful, his example is an argument we’ve had a few times and because I’ve yet to see it in action, I don’t believe it. 

His other one-liner for the car ride home to be noted is, “you make it my job to prove it beyond a reasonable doubt.” I gather he means it’s not everyone’s job to put on a trial for the judge and jury which just so happens to be me.

Okay, but how do all three of these relate to one another? Well, the conversation regarding motherhood is the base for this trifecta. I don’t operate based on opinions of others or what ‘everyone else does,’ because it comes back to my mom’s good ‘ol saying, “if they jumped off a bridge, would you?”

If you aren’t giving me ass, grass, or cash, you outta keep your yipper closed.

Society has been putting pressure on women for a zillion-bajillion years for no other reason than, ‘they said so.” Literally, the weakest fucking argument known to mankind. You’re not a good woman unless you get married, have babies, and be this well-rounded individual who can manage the household and ALL THE ERRANDS.

My response to the societal norm? “Oh HELL no!”

Just because I’m a woman I’m expected to get married and have children, and I don’t buy it. Just because people say they care for you, doesn’t mean they do because actions speak louder than words and I gotta say, a lot of people will say it but not act like it.

The moral?

And just because I know this about myself, now I can pay attention to when I’m starting to get a little judge and jury. This is a good quality to have, but not in all instances. Some things don’t provide proof and I have to learn how to trust.

#balance

Now to keep up with my promise to practice gratitude to fight my tendency to forbode joy: Currently feeling gratitude towards the strength I possess that helps me have those hard conversations. Growth is hard, but my ears are finally open. What are you feeling gratitude towards? Let me know in the comment section, below. 

Cultivate it.

play better on Instagram than Facebook but regardless, be my friend online. RamblinRandol is my quest for true belonging.

 

 

 

Grey Street & The End Of The World

My emotional IQ is low when it comes to my own self-awareness. It’s so easy for me to see what’s truly bothering others, but when it comes to myself I’m clueless.

Anger and okayness are the only two, that’s it. A few years ago I noticed most of my anger came from feeling sad and because I wasn’t okay with feeling weak (sad) I easily shifted the vulnerability to anger and violence.

This felt like a massive breakthrough, except I wasn’t necessarily doing anything to correct my bad habit with creating a ruckus. It was just easier to recognize I was actually feeling sad and trying to bury it by creating the ruckus (creating my own chaos).

One medium I’ve always felt able to express myself with is music. And whaddya know, the songs that spoke to me the most were the ones that could do the Emotional IQ talk for me. Did that make any sense? haha.

For example, Grey Street by Dave Matthews has been one of my favorite songs from the band for over a decade. I never thought much about why only focused on how it made me feel.

And for a better part of that decade, I was unconsciously belting out the lyrics that described me perfectly.

Oh, look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out onto Grey Street
She thinks, “Hey, how did I come to this?
I dream myself a thousand times around the world
But I can’t get out of this place”

[Chorus]
There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together – to grey
And it breaks her heart

[Verse 2]
How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears it doesn’t listen
There’s still a hope in her it might
She says, “I pray
But they fall on deaf ears
Am I supposed to take it on myself?
To get out of this place?”

[Chorus]
There’s a loneliness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together – to grey
And it breaks her heart

[Verse 3]
There’s a stranger speaks outside her door
Says, “Take what you can from your dreams
Make them as real as anything
It’d take the work out of the courage”
But she says, “Please
There’s a crazy man that’s creeping outside my door
I live on the corner of Grey Street
And the end of the world”

[Chorus]
There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It’s more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her
Using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together – to grey
And it breaks her heart
It breaks her heart
To grey

So, I guess what I’m trying to say is pay attention. You’re smarter than you think.

Now to keep up with my promise to practice gratitude to fight my tendency to forbode joy: Currently feeling gratitude towards this protein bar tasting like a maple glazed donut, haha. What are you feeling gratitude towards? Let me know in the comment section, below. 

Cultivate it.

play better on Instagram than Facebook but regardless, be my friend online. RamblinRandol is my quest for true belonging. 

 

To The Pit Of Misery – Also Known As The Creative Depression Vat

It’s been a few weeks, my bad. There hasn’t been much inner inspiration to produce a post I thought anyone would want to read. This assumption is obviously subjective and a part of some sort of creative depression my nasty gremlin (inner voice) throws me into every once in a while.

The ‘creative depression’ vat of misery is usually first formed out of a lack of patience, i.e. the motivation I’ve conjured to keep me working towards a goal (book deal/podcast launch) finally fizzles out; enter nasty gremlin reminding me I am nothing and will accomplish nothing and then cue radio silence.

Twenty minutes ago I hadn’t realized patience was the leading factor in what would help fuel my nasty gremlin, so there’s a positive. I need to work on patience and remind myself when shit doesn’t happen in my timeframe (which TBH is made up), it’s not the end of the world. I’ll keep pushing and will figure it out.

Maybe a little self-confidence in myself would help ya girl out, too. It’s not a secret I have trust issues, this includes with myself. I don’t trust I’ll get the work done. I worry I’ll drop the ball instead.

This boils down to being at another crossroad in life. My professional goals are clear but the path is clouded with fog and per usual, my personal life feels like a mess. Do I want kids? Should I buy a house? Are these my wants or what I think I should be doing? This is why working has always come easy for me, fill your time with work so that personal shit gets suffocated.

I do know I want to do things on my own timeline and not based off some 1950’s time sheet. The problem is I think my Hubs bases his timeline off that out of date 1950 one, which is a struggle.

What I really want to know is how the hell am I supposed to get this podcast launched while working on this book idea, while keeping up with my full-time gig, AND maintain a relationship with my Hubs, family, and friends?

I don’t think your girl has the same stamina she had back in the days of four doubles in a row followed by school full time the other three days. That ship has sailed, thankfully. All that grind never got me out of the country for the first time. Who’s to say another 8-years of grind will lead me to the beaches of Greece?

You know what I think is mostly my problem? That damn timeline I was talking about earlier, and the patience thing. Actually, didn’t I write a damn blog post about throwing out the schedule? When the hell am I going to start listening to myself? #smdh

Creating a weekly to-do list stresses me out. I don’t care how many Pinterest pins or Instagram entrepreneur accounts explain otherwise. “Successful people plan out their week every week.” I’m done trying to follow other peep’s rules, it doesn’t work for me.

When I feel compelled to write, I’ll do it. Screw trying to block out time every week at the same time. Maybe my process is off the cuff, it fits my personality?!

Huh, who knew this is where this post was going to go.

Happy Monday. I hope you find the strength to go against the grain when it benefits you most. I’ll keep you posted on how my new ‘schedule’ works out. 

Now to keep up with my promise to practice gratitude to fight my tendency to forbode joy: Currently feeling gratitude towards my body and all of its capabilities. What are you feeling gratitude towards? Let me know in the comment section, below. 

Cultivate it.

play better on Instagram than Facebook but regardless, be my friend online. RamblinRandol is my quest for true belonging. 

Give Yourself A Break – Strive For Imperfection, Instead

This morning on my drive to work I was catching up on one of my favorite podcasts, Jen Gotch Is Okay…Sometimes. It’s described as a podcast that “is weird and original and funny and honest—just like me.  Each week I’m going to get in your ear, tell you about my fears, my pain, my triumphs and hopefully in the process help you become more self-aware, build your own emotional intelligence, and more than anything else, FEEL LESS ALONE.”

It drops every Tuesday and has become one of my favorite listens on the drive to work. I missed this Tuesday’s episode so I caught up this morning and wow, did it hit home and put into perspective what I was blogging about yesterday that I didn’t know at the time I was blogging about. Does that make sense? 

If you missed it, yesterday’s blog Cutting Loose Ends talked about how I’ve been struggling with carrying the thoughts and opinions of others while trying to fight the urge to self-isolate and block out. Let’s not get it twisted, it’s still annoying how much people dump on unsuspecting souls. The trick is to not let it stick and define you.

Yesterday I think was I was blogging about (but didn’t know it at the time) struggling with perfectionism and after this morning’s episode about striving for IMPERFECTION, it gave me some perspective on what I wrote about yesterday, weird right?

Here’s why letting go of perfectionism will help me let go of other people’s actions:

Trying to ‘live up’ to other people’s expectations is a waste of damn time. I want to be successful both personally and professionally. This need to excel at excellence means trying to do everything to the best of my ability, a.k.a. as close to perfect and efficient as possible and I don’t want to let anyone down so I put a lot of value in what others think and say about me (which pains me to write because ew, I wish this wasn’t true) and forget I do this, hence yesterday’s frustration.

This does nothing but distracts me from my own inner voice. I know me, so I should listen to her more often because when I’m constantly filling my head with what others have put on me, it stifles my inner thoughts and feelings. So fuck that shit, I need to be more self-aware so I can internally combat this.

She continues on to say:

“What if we just decided to be imperfect?”

Being comfortable with being imperfect actually helps us achieve more since we’re not overwhelming ourselves with undue pressure. “Let’s not worry so much,” Jen says. “Let’s not try and strive for something that actually isn’t achievable because you just end up feeling awful all the time.”

“We still need to have aspirations, but what if what we aspired to was to be better than great and less than perfect? I think we could manage that.”

She lists three sweet spots to focus on while striving for imperfection, here they are:

  1. Say no to the ‘having it all’ culture – this doesn’t help you focus on the now. When you focus on the ‘having it now’ aspect of life, it forces you to dismiss the achievements of today and yesterday and leaves you feeling never enough or satisfied. Let’s collectively agree to knock this behavior off!
  2. It’s okay to fail – all I have to say about this one is if you never fail how are you supposed to learn? Growth comes from standing up after falling and learning from your mistakes. Let’s all agree to fail a little harder!
  3. Done is better than perfect mentality – I suck at this one, it was even hard to write, but I can acknowledge what it’s trying to convey. If you get tied up in all the little details nothing will ever move forward. This isn’t promoting laziness, it’s promoting to take a breath in the middle of that big project and acknowledge the fact it’s not going to be perfect no matter how hard you strive for it (project, relationship, the dream) to be. Focus on completing it, not all the little tiny ways it’s going to be a shitshow.

Hopefully, this helps you in the same way it helped me peel back the foggy layer that was suffocating my brain yesterday. Gotch ended the episode by asking her listeners to ditch perfectionism and do ‘all of the things you’re waiting to be perfect, to do.” Challenge accepted, and I hope you join me.

Now to keep up with my promise to practice gratitude to fight my tendency to forbode joy: Currently feeling gratitude about seeing my brother-in-law tonight and having a cookout! What are you feeling gratitude towards? Let me know in the comment section, below. 

Cultivate it.

play better on Instagram than Facebook but regardless, be my friend online. RamblinRandol is my quest for true belonging. 

 

Cutting Loose Ends

I don’t want you to know me. This makes the relationship burden on my end simple and I’ll do whatever possible to keep this narrative simple. Mess bothers me, I like to cut my ends in one easy snip.

The second people think they know you, is the second they try to invade your personal space. For example, the second I got married was the second it became appropriate to ask me about when we’d be having children.

It’s an intrusive question about an intimate act done in private and basically asks my husband when is he planning to ejaculate his sperm with no restrictive materials so they can meet my eggs and have a party.

Believe it or not, there is a large group of people who appreciate privacy and boundaries and I’ll dare great to say I’m happily leading the pack. Yes, there is a part of me that yerns to be known and I’m having trouble finding the balance  because I value both privacy and connection.

I don’t enjoy letting anyone ‘get to know’ me because then unsolicited advice and ridiculousness gets thrown my way which I should be able to take with a grain of salt but don’t because I take it personal.

Words matter, and if yours sound condesending or judgmental, I’m going to take it personal that you decided you had little respect for my life smarts and felt obligated to tell me how it should be. I’ve lived alotta life you don’t know about, what’s that phrase about assuming?

Here’s a visual if you don’t get my description, does anyone remember that commercial about bullying and the kid has all the nasty things being said to him written on his body with marker? This is how I feel about people and their damn opinions. It is so much easier to keep everyone else out so they’re words won’t mark me.

Lately it feels like a whole-lotta people are trying to force me to be this person I’m not and it’s pushing me way in the opposite direction. I feel like I’m being squeezed and being set up for failure. So my walls go up and instinctually put up a fight.

This is a personal problem, I’m aware, and it boils down to control. I can’t control how others act, but I can control how I act when I feel emotionally violated, intruded upon and/or stomped over no matter how hard I try to communicate.

For example, one of my coworkers hates it when the toliet roll isn’t put in the canister with the paper facing up. She claims its harder to use so she fixes it each time it randomly happens to be facing the wrong way.

If it didn’t bother her this anaolgy wouldn’t work, but it does bother her when the paper gets turned around and she has to fix it. Instead of realizing this is a personal preferance and she chooses to turn it a certain way, she decides someone is doing this on purpose because, “how does one not know which way to correctly load a toliet canister,” and is purposfully incoveincing her by making her switch the roll and complains about it from time to time.

In this case, I need to swap the toliet paper roll with opinions (possible literally speaking, too) and figure out a way to understand I don’t have to react in anger each time I feel like I’m being sqeezed into a box or purposefully being forced into swapping out the roll.

I don’t want people to know me because when people know you that’s when you’re vulnerable to pain, because when they do and say things to hurt you the natural defensive response will always be “they didn’t mean it” or “they mean well,” which completley dimishes the pain felt upon the inflicted.

The solution? Believing I am enough. Wholeheartidly knowing who I am despite what others categorize me as, that those small descriptions don’t define me. It doesn’t matter what people say or do because I’m comfortable in my own skin. The trick is to figure out how to believe it. 

Now, If I could just practice it quicker so I could master this idea of being enough. I’m saying this with a smirk because nothing worth it ever comes easy 😉 

The problem with constantly trimming your ends is never letting the ends grow to their full potential. I get it a little better than I did a year ago, but I’m nowhere near better at practicing the belief that I am enough.

Now to keep up with my promise to practice gratitude to fight my tendency to forbode joy: Currently feeling gratitude for my patient husband. What are you feeling gratitude towards? Let me know in the comment section, below. 

Cultivate it.

play better on Instagram than Facebook but regardless, be my friend online. RamblinRandol is my quest for true belonging. 

 

 

 

 

My Skin Feels Too Heavy To Carry

Have you ever felt so depleted of energy that even your skin feels too heavy to carry? Thank Zeus it’s Friday. I need the next two days to get my shit together even though I feel like even if I had two weeks time, it still wouldn’t be enough because I’m so damn far behind.

Most of my anxiety has come from two silent weeks of no prospects in interviews for my (wannabe) podcast with a looming September deadline. I’m starting to feel failure set in even though there is ample time to problem solve and the anticipation of failure is enough to drown me and wash the entire dream dry.

 

What about these books I keep claiming to have in the chamber? I thought of another good idea for a book this morning while driving to work, listening to another audiobook (Bad Feminist by Roxanne Gay), so if you’ve lost count that’s a potential three books I’m probably not going to write.

Each time I start to imagine writing said books my brain freaks out. How do I even submit a book? I don’t want to get an agent, but hardly any publishing companies accept unsolicited work. What’s best practice, how do you start, what’s MY writing process? I spin and spin until the only way to end it is to ignore.

The next phase is usually obsessing over everything I’m not doing, could be doing better, and/or simmering over shit I can’t change, which turns into wondering what the fuck I’ll be doing in twenty years and if I’ve accomplished anything I set out to do when I first began to dream.

I’m spirling.

It goes on for a couple days and then I snap my ass back into reality and get shit done. Usually, I chalk up this series of berating and self-loathing to my nasty shame gremlins being hard at work but I think I’ve figured out the trigger.

Whenever I have a good hard week or two, etc. of productivity where I exert all of my creative energy both physically and mentally to finish a project on time and successfully knock it out of the park, it leads to me feeling empty. Idle hands as they say…

This emptiness makes me nervous. Will this project (or whatever it is) be the last best thing I do? Was that it, my last spark? How am I going to best myself once more? Tick, tick, tick, tick. Worry, worry, worry.

Not to mention, people drain me. The everyday interaction required to be social is one more activity to add to my anxiety. We all play a role at home, at work, and with friends. It always feels fine when the interaction is in play, but when I come home I’ll think back on my day and stress out over what I should’ve said or done.

Add that to a long yet productive week and it leaves me feeling like my skin is too heavy to carry; spirling.

A blue fish in a Disney Pixar movie once mentioned the idea, just keep swimming. Some days I think living by this phrase is easier when your memory is has a reset button every 60-seconds, and other days I remind myself success isn’t about the destination, it’s about enjoying the wild ride to the top.

In order to get to the next crazy hump, one must keep swimming. 

Now to keep up with my promise to practice gratitude to fight my tendency to forbode joy: Currently feeling gratitude for every breath I take. What are you feeling gratitude towards? Let me know in the comment section, below. Night friends. 

Cultivate it.I play better on Instagram than Facebook but regardless, be my friend online. RamblinRandol is my quest for true belonging.