life lessons – RamblinRandol

A Sandbox Full of Animals: How Nature Helps Me Name What I Feel & Other Spiritual Guide Discoveries

Nature and animals have provided me a load of comfort, hope, and safety over the years. My being always felt most at ease when it was amongst the leaves, birds, and breeze. If a hot shower can’t fix my mood, a walk beneath the trees definitely will. And the truest parts of my heart were kept in childhood with our German Shepard mix, Pepper. And when she passed, they stayed with my girl of sixteen years, Bella. A National Geographic binder filled with fun facts on every animal known to man was a book on my parent’s shelf I asked for permission to read over and over again.

My head, heart, and body have been out of touch and numb from one another for a long damn time. I feel disconnected, disassociated, and stuck in survival. A “little” something-something being worked on in therapy. But when asked the dreaded, “and how did that make you feel” question my brain inflicts a whiteout. A weather condition during heavy snow where visibility is nearly zero. Thoughts cease to exist. My inner monologue goes mute and the ability to use adjectives is lost. All that comes out is. “I don’t know.” The solution has been to do an exercise with a sandbox using objects and figurines to help represent what I’m feeling.

It seems obvious now but it wasn’t (at least to me) then and you can probably guess…my sandbox is routinely filled with animals and nature. It has led to a conversation about spiritual guides and if I know mine. Side-note: did you know every zodiac sign has an animal associated with it? For fun, I’ve provided the list below.

Gemini: Butterfly
Cancer: Wolf
Leo: Lion
Virgo: Owl
Libra: Swan
Scorpio: Snake
Sagittarius: Horse
Capricorn: Mountain Goat
Aquarius: Dolphin
Pisces: Deer
Aries: Tiger
Taurus: Bear

Different systems use different methods to assign animals. Don’t feel connected to this list? Do some digging to find a system that fits for you. And if I’ve lost you because there’s no hard fast rules well…congrats on making it this far with me, haha. Want to know more about your Chinese Zodiac? Click here for a chart.

Do I know which animal represents my spirit guide? The short answer is, I don’t know. How am I supposed to know the difference between appreciating and being deeply connected? Allegedly there are some options. Some recommend meditation and visualization. A quiet space to relax your mind and body, focusing on your heart to see where it takes you. My brain is too loud for this suggestion. I’d sit and think and talk myself out of every animal to appear. Every other thought would question, is this intuition or a personal persuasion?

The “look for signs” idea feels a bit more realistic for me. The Internet suggests to be open and receptive. Notice any signs in nature or in your dreams. Pay attention to synchronicities or meaningful coincidences. You could experience physical or emotional sensations. You might feel tingly or warm. A sense of calm or ease. A feeling of energy moving through you. Some have claimed to see external signs like flashes of light or hearing unexplained sounds. Not going to lie, it would be so much better for me if this could be solved by inputing personal data into a formula. This trust your feelings thing obviously isn’t great for me.

What I do know is there are a few animals tattooed on my body. A majority of dreams are me trying to fight, protect or save someone or something I care for deeply. Nannie told me ounce I was like a “wise old owl.” A recent doom scroll on Instagram lead me to a wolf pack metaphor about eldest daughters that made me feel deeply seen. A lioness is permanently placed on the inside of my bicep. I got her after a life-changing event as a reminder. And my first tattoo came at eighteen after moving out of their house. Two doves. People would ask, “why doves?” I’d respond without hesitation (or understanding what it implied), “because I’m finally free.”

Luckily, I don’t need to pick one. Which is helpful considering I’m an Enneagram 1, needing one sets me up to look for the “perfect” animal representation. It appears you’re allowed to feel connected to multiples. Or have a few guides throughout your life depending on needs. So, this little bit of murkiness will have to do for now. And I kinda love it because now I have something fun to doom scroll.

If you were an animal, which one would you be/feel most connected to? What was the first animal to pop into your head? Tell me in the comments 🙂

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PS: I asked Matt, he said raccoon. Well, technically he said, “trash panda.”

Google says, the raccoon symbolizes curiosity, resourcefulness, and adaptability due to its intelligence and ability to thrive in changing environments. It also represents mystery and disguise, represented by its mask, and can encourage you to explore your own complex self and shed any masks that no longer serve you. For some indigenous cultures, the raccoon is a trickster figure associated with lighthearted mischief, cleverness, and dexterity (they can open doors!).

And I think he nailed it.

PPS: Does anybody know where I can get a National Geographic binder book about animals that was probably printed sometime in the 90s? Lol

PPP: Thank goodness for therapy and therapists who use sandboxes to help those of us feeling challenged to help express what’s “coming up.” Look what it led to! ❤

If You Feel Like a Mess on a Rock in Space… Same

This isn’t advice. It’s just me being honest, in case you need it too.

The last thing the internet needs is another expert.

So, I solemnly swear to never tell you what you should be doing. Nothing grinds my gears more than others trying to tell me “exactly” what I should be doing in order to achieve x,y, and z.

Because here’s the thing–the older I get the more I realize I don’t know shit. The moment it feels figured out, something changes and I’m back at square one. And honestly? Love that for us, it keeps us honest. (Except for the ones selling you that magic elixir.)

What I do know is how much I appreciated people being authentic and real with me about their truths. I learned the most from others sharing their own personal experiences. It helped process my own and I’d like to return the favor. Sharing what I’ve learned in hopes it helps you feel less crazy, less alone or less stressed about where you’re at.

Because if you feel like a mess on a rock floating through space, girl same. What even is my purpose here?

Hi friends, I’m trying hand over at Substack for a little while.

(I couldn’t keep sharing posts about silence and rejection from pitching, haha. And for some reason, opening WordPress feels like a drag. Not sure if it’s because at one time I had this popping and now it’s crickets or what but I’m trying to unblock the mental block.)

SO, if you wanna read the rest of the post above and learn more about the book that made me reconsider therapy, head on over to my Substack 🙂

ps: thanks for reading ❤

Monday Mood

Ooh, friends. I wasted most of the morning writing a separate blog about grief but I just can’t publish it. It’s too much for a Monday morning. And, I don’t feel like I’m in the right headspace to give it the justice the piece deserves to make a meaningful impact.

The hope was to share and provide action. Example: I am deeply sad. Grief hits me almost every single day in the gut. I can cry at 11:30 p.m. or at 7 a.m. in the morning. What am I doing to fight through it? Combat it with gratitude.

Except it’s not true. I’d like to, but I don’t have the energy to do so. Instead I’m just flailing. My head is just above the surface but waves keep crashing over me and it doesn’t matter how hard I kick to stay afloat. And I hate it. I hate how sad I feel. I hate that this new reality is my reality. And I hate that I have no other choice but to deal with it.

I have moments of peace. They are fleeting. What I am trying to do is stick to routine. Keep going to the aerial gym to train on the same days. Showing up for my people on Saturday mornings. Taking an after lunch walk to reset. Submitting my manuscript once a week.

The lunch walk gets skipped depending on weather, never my mood.

And I did manage to submit to another agent last week. I shot my shot with the person who published the Spellshop. The writing and pacing of that book felt like a warm hug. A touch my manuscript could definitely use.

That’s all for now, folks. Thanks for reading. I hope something good happens to you this week.

k byeeeeee.

PCOS & Pitching to The Book Group

If your thyroid works, be sure to thank it every morning. For the past five years my body has been fighting itself while I was fighting the healthcare system begging for help. If I heard, “your lab results are normal” one more time I may have John Wicked somebody.

Multiple doctors told me it was stress and anxiety. The world had just gone through a pandemic and I had moved across the country in the middle of it. While the entire world shut down, my entire life got flipped upside down with a new city, new job, and new permanent address. “Sounds like you’ve experienced some trauma, you’re probably depressed.”

“This is more than depression. I know depression and anxiety. This feels like everything inside has been set on fire.”

“Your lab results are normal.”

I paid out of pocket to see a functional medicine doctor and was told I had Hashimoto’s.

Then, during one of my monthly wax appointments I asked the lady I had been seeing for the few months, “how come I used to be able to go months in-between appointments and now my hair seems to be growing in faster. Does it just depend on the quickness of the person’s hand? Is it the wax being used?”

We had built up a rapport and I felt comfortable with her so I decided to finally blurt out what had been bothering me for the past year. Why the heck am I having to get waxed more frequently?

“Girl you need to see your gynecologist. It sounds like your hormones have changed or there’s an imbalance.”

I made an appointment the next day and spent three months after confirming tests at the OBGYN. I had PCOS.

Hashimoto’s and PCOS. Two hormone imbalances duking it out inside my body. Is there a cure? No. PCOS only happens in women, and it doesn’t occur similarly in all women’s bodies meaning basically no research has been done and the only solution doctor’s prescribe is to get on birth control.

I am allergic to birth control.

Doctor’s won’t refer me to an endocrinologist because my labs are “normal.” I can’t get put on thyroid medicine because my lab results are “normal.” I went to the allergist and he told me he could do an allergy test but that it wouldn’t tell me exactly what I was allergic to, only a general idea. Example: nuts may cause me to flare but what kind of nut? Who knows. He didn’t do the test and charged me the $65 copay to see him.

For the past five years I’ve been trying to piece together a care plan for myself by trial and error (mostly error). I could go on and on about the frustration and disappointment with our healthcare system and how much a month I pay for health insurance but can’t get in to see a doctor…but that’s for another day. Today is supposed to be an update about my pitches for Don’t Forget to Tip Your Waitress.

Before we move onto that, let this little blurb be a reminder to continue advocating for yourself when you feel in your gut something is wrong. It may feel hard when a dude in a white coat is telling you you’re fine, but remember, you’re paying them. Ask the questions. And get second or third opinions.

Hell, ask another woman. Had I never opened my mouth to the woman giving me a wax, who knows how much longer it would’ve taken to know I had little cysts on my ovaries. And ever since, I’ve been vocal in my social groups about my hormonal imbalances and it has opened up a bigger conversation. So many women know other women in their life who are struggling with hormonal imbalances. I’ve gotten the most help from them. Women, what would we do without them.

Anyways, two big pitches have been sent out. I told you about Meg Thompson last week. This week’s pitch went to Brettne Bloom. I found her after Googling who edited The Invisible Life of Addie LeRue (one of my favorite reads in 2024. I’m talking top 3). It brought me to The Book Group’s site and I found her in the list of agents they employee.

Their submission guidelines had specifics with the email ask, what to put in the subject line and not to add any attachments. So I had to add a query letter and 10-page writing sample to one email. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to present this better? Because adding it all to the body of an email felt a bit wrong. I changed the font and formatting for the sample pages but still it felt…chaotic.

The Book Group wanted me to include who this book was for in the query letter. Here’s what I wrote:

This book is for the eldest daughters raised by wolves. Who grew up suffocated with adult responsibilities but had big dreams led by hope and pure spite. It’s for the kids who learned how to notice when the air shifted to help keep the peace but wanted more. And it’s for the ones who felt like their existence was a burden no matter how hard they tried to help. May this nonlinear climb to success remind anyone reading they’re capable of more and some of life’s best lessons are served by the people behind the counter.

I would go back and change a few sentences. The constant need to edit and look for better ways to say the same thing can drive me mad. Overall, done is better than perfection. We will see, right?

Until next week, friends.

I hope something good happens to you today. ❤

Melissa McCarthy’s Bridesmaids Monologue Is The Reminder We All Need

Melissa McCarthy’s pep talk monologue with Kristen Wiig in Bridesmaids was what I needed to both see and hear.

Before I taint the pool with my aha moments, watch the clip or read the transcript below and take note of what stands out to you. Did you need reminding of something, too?

(One Of) The Best Pieces Of Advice I’ve Received

(One of) the best pieces of advice I’ve ever received was actually scribbled on a stock image and re-shared on Facebook by an old high school friend (thanks, Kaylin!). The second my eyes finished reading the final word, an audible “oh” escaped my lips while a simultaneous explosion erupted in my head and heart.

What Do The 5 Closest People In Your Life Say About You?

Who has read Melissa Ambrosini’s Mastering Your Mean Girl?

A chunk of her points can be found in other self growth books (which has to be an obvious clue these ladies are on to something), but I appreciated her focus on filtering life through a lens of love to achieve your highest potential.

She also asks the reader a lot of questions and gives space in the book to write your answer. Fun Fact: I LOVE questionnaires.

But today’s blog is not a recap of the entire book, today I want to focus on just ONE of the chapters regarding divine relationships because recently I had to let a relationship in my life go, and it was painful (yet also therapeutic and freeing).

This section of the book was a friendly reminder I made the right choice, and I’m sharing just in case you need to read it, too.

Q: Who are the five most prominent people in your life?

Have you named them yet? I’ll wait…

……….

…….

….

…….

……….

…….

….

Who else used to do that ^^^ in notes you passed to your friends in middle or high school? lol, it’s the little things you guys. 🙂

Alright, do you have your five? Great. These top five relationships are a direct reflection of you. Read that again. They are a direct reflection of you.

Melissa writes, “you see, we are a product of the people we surround ourselves with, which means whoever you’re hanging out with the most says a lot about who you are and who you are becoming. With that in mind, when you look at your list, is your immediate reaction ‘oh, crap!’ or ‘Hell yea, that’s awesome–these people are amazing; I am so inspired by them and grateful to have them in my life.”

Some people are really good at sucking the life and/or energy out of ya, and sometimes there is no removing yourself from the situation (coworker, boss, family member) so then what?

“Ask yourself what changes do I need to make within or to that relationship to make it more inspiring or healthy for me?” says Melissa.

The entire chapter stresses the importance about surrounding yourself with good people because these relationships influence your life. So why waste any of your precious time, space or energy on people who don’t appreciate it?

“The purpose of relationship is not to have another who might complete you; but to have another with whom you might share your completeness. – Neale Donald Walsch

RamblinRandol is my journey back to loving myself (which happens to include baking). It’s an open letter on how I’m growing through what I’ve been through. And like Maya Angelou said, “the ache for home lives in all of us…” It’s time for me to feel at home in my own skin.

Click here to be my digital penpal and receive an email from mwah twice a month or hang out with me on Instagram @sjrandol.

3 Questions To Help Find Your Purpose

How the fuck do you find your purpose?

If this thought ran through your head too you’re not alone, boo.

I almost didn’t listen to the podcast episode that inspired this post because it had the word purpose in the title, for some reason the notion of finding my purpose feels frivolous and like a huge waste of time.

But lucky for me, the podcast title included the word myths and this intrigued the cynic in me. Yup, I basically listened with the expectation it would tell me what I wanted to hear: don’t waste your time on searching for a purpose; it’s a crock of shit.

Spoiler alert: I got an aha moment, instead, and a huge LOL at myself.

According to Jay Shetty (On Purpose host) when you pay attention to what makes you passionate, it then leads to you figuring out your purpose; passion leads to purpose.

My favorite part of the podcast was when he explains most people attempt to “chase down their passions” in hopes something will stick and make sense. This leads you to look outside of yourself (usually creating a lot of distractions) when really, you need to be turning inward and paying attention to what lights your own fire.

This bit led to a conversation with my Hubs about the ‘fun project’ called Stuff My Wife Makes on Instagram…while I love to cook new recipes, it was taking away from what I really enjoy doing…blogging about the stuff that matters to me and has helped me grow.

Turns out my Hubs didn’t want to do the mini-series anymore because he was never going to say anything terrible about something I made. Plus, most of the recipes I made were ones I knew he’d enjoy tasting. It was also starting to feel extremely tedious on my end which also sucked all the enjoyment I got out of cooking and baking.

There’s nothing wrong with saying goodbye to a project not meant to be. We tried something new, and it turned out to be a distraction. On to the next!

In order to figure out your purpose, Shetty asks listeners to consider these three questions:

Q1: Do you know yourself deeply, have you taken the time to date yourself and understand what makes you tick inside and out?

He continues the question by asking you to make a correlation between your favorite movies or books and yourself.

Q2: What do you love to learn? What do you love to teach?

And measure the answers to those questions by how it feels in your heart, not what it sounds like in your head. In your head, it’s easier to let what others might say influence your decision. So pay attention to your heart. ***OMG THIS. No wonder so many Disney movies tell you to pay attention to your heart!***

Q3: If Jay Shetty was going to pay for you to have 100 hours of personal development, how would you divide the hours up between the stuff you’re good at, the stuff you’re average at, and the stuff you’re bad at?

Would you put all of your focus into what you’re bad at and a little into what you’re average and good at? Would it be the other way around where you focus only on what you’re good at and then divide the rest between average and terrible?

What was your answer?

Mine was to put most of the energy into what I’m terrible at and then divide the rest between good and average because If I’m already good with x,y, and z, then why wouldn’t I focus on what needs improving? Don’t successful people work on their weaknesses first?

Nope, apparently not! Those who are successful in their field focused a majority of their energy on their strengths…

[insert forehead slap]

Duh. This makes sense.

Don’t you just love realizing the obvious?

Why does everything sound so much clearer when you get outside of your own head? 😉

Here’s to minimizing the distractions and leaning into what fuels your heart.

If you want to check out the podcast episode for yourself, click here.

Did you have your own aha moment while reading? Please share with me in the comments.

Click here to be my digital penpal and receive an email from mwah twice a month or hang out with me on Instagram @sjrandol.

The Brave & Brokenhearted Manifesto

Have you read Brene Brown’s Manifesto of the Brave and Brokenhearted? It’s a story I go back to each time I feel like dipping out when the going gets too tough.

Paragraphs three, four and five are my favorite to re-read over and over when I need the reminder.

And it goes like this:

There is no greater threat to the critic and cynics and fearmongers than those of us who are willing to fall because we have learned how to rise.

With skinned knees and bruised hearts; we choose owning our stories of struggle, over hiding, over hustling, over pretending.

When we deny our stories, they define us. When we run from struggle, we are never free. So we turn toward truth and look it in the eye.

We will not be characters in our stories. Not villains, not victims, not even heroes.

We are the authors of our lives. We write our own endings.

We craft love from heartbreak, compassion from shame, grace from disappointment, courage from failure.

Showing up is our power. Story is our way home. Truth is our song. We are the brave and brokenhearted. We are rising strong.

I won’t let my past dictate my future. I get to write my own ending. I’m not one to play the victim but I can work on not feeling like the villain.

Side rant: it drives me batty when people are hell-bent on playing the victim, turning every injustice into a personal attack on their own day.

Will you look in the mirror and ask yourself the hard questions? Will you look your truth in the eye and not run from it? What would happen if you stopped running and started to tackle it?

Hold yourself accountable. Save yourself. It’s only ever up to you to make a difference in your own world. Ask a question. Seek understanding before you judge.

Tackling my own demons has been my biggest struggle these past two years, and yet, the most rewarding.

Stay hungry for the growth my friends.

Are You Filling A Space You’re Not Meant To?

The most recent episode of Red Table Talk on Facebook Watch titled Healing Emotional Scars with Ciara is a good watch for anyone with a blended family, in a committed relationship, or is looking for inner personal growth…so, basically everyone?

Around the eleven minute mark, Jada and Ciara get into a discussion about navigating life with bonus children and parents.

“I have a bonus son from Will’s first marriage, who I adore, but in the beginning, it was challenging because Trey already had a mother, and I had to learn how to have that motherly compassion without trying to fill that space because it was already taken,” said Jada.

Filling spaces that are already taken, hot damn, let’s say it to ourselves again because I think this idea is universal!

This sparked two thoughts/questions:

Where is the line between motherly compassion and overstepping boundaries?
Where am I guilty of trying to fill a space that’s already taken?

Where is the line between motherly compassion and overstepping? Everyone’s line placement is subjective due to life experiences, but I do think it’s fair to say if someone has communicated where their line is and you keep pushing, that’s when it’s a problem.

The key is to have enough self-awareness to recognize when you’re feeling pushed and if/or when you’re doing the pushing (which ties into point two). People are telling you (verbally or with body language) how they want to be treated so if you choose to ignore by only doing what you want, that’s on you.

Where am I guilty of trying to fill spaces that aren’t meant to be filled by me? Oh, plenty, but I’ll only mention one, haha.

I struggle with feeling responsible for other people’s behaviors and/or actions when my worlds (friends, coworkers, family, etc.) collide.

It goes back to how I was raised and how the phrase ‘guilty by association’ was hammered into my head, that paired with emotionally immature parents who couldn’t control their moods was the perfect equation for me (the oldest) hoping if I could manage all the moods in the room a fight wouldn’t break out because when one did, it always ended up feeling like it was my fault.

So I tried to fill a space where I was in charge of everyone’s behaviors and actions to eliminate embarrassment on all sides, which made being in a room filled with people I knew impossible.

But FYI, people are responsible for their own actions, not you. Guilty by association is bullshit (I double checked with my therapist). This space is not mine to fill, and it’s one I’m happy to bow out of with my middle finger in the air, waving it goodbye.

Where are you trying to fill a space you’re not meant to fill?

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